"We'll sit beneath the mango tree."

Funny how underneath this hard cover/outlook of mine, lies an emotional part that wouldnt mind crying as if crying is a normal thing for guys. Its pretty weird when a guy breakdown and tears start to rolls off his cheeks. Other guys might find is gay or sissy. But not me. I believe that crying at times help to overcome anger and sadness that builds within me. Whenever i get pissed off by someone and i know i cant really do anything about it (including punching the balls into his face), i would either curse aloud or simply wallow in my sorrows.

I'm not quite a fan of violence you see. The idea of beating someone to pulp for something you cant achieve doesnt really work out for me. I'm afraid of myself at times. Afraid of what i could have done if i were to be really really angry. Like Matilda, she could put a hex on people she didnt like uncontrolably. Robert Bruce Banner could turn into a giant green monster when he's mad. Thats pretty cool, but the fact that he'll go on to destroy things, is just not me. Just not me.

I wished i had such powers but being able to control them. It'll make me feel powerful. All guys wanna be powerful. Its a guy's thing called Ego. My ego is pretty "up there". Probably because of the way i have been brought up. I have never liked to be the last, the middle nor the second place person in an event, a race, a test when i have put in great effort in training for it. It makes me feel sick and angry NOT at other people but at myself for failing, myself. You can go on and say that i'm kinda like a perfectionist, cause i believe YES i am one. Well, mostly in the past that is. For now, having interacted with way different kinds of people, i've learnt to Give and Take. Not getting angry over failures. Being a little more sensitive to what others think. It sometimes hurts when you have to give in. But thats life, after a while you get over it. And the feeling of a bruised ego will go away it will be replaced witha warm tingling feeling inside you. Its a nice feeling really. But to get to that we have to "lower the shields" and get hit a few times first.

Although i may not be a fan of violence, but if the time needs me to act on it, i'm sure i will pack a punch. I dont give a shit to those who really hurt the people i love and people i care most about in my life. That case is a different case altogether. Thats why i'm sometimes scaredof myself. God knows what i'll do to those bad people.

I'm blogging this because the other day, i was very very angry. In fact the pressure build up so much that i had to let steam in the form of tears come out of my eyes (not ears like in the cartoons). What happened doesnt really matter. Its over and i've moved on. I took it as my mistake and it felt bad at first. Ego, yes. But after awhile, like i said the tingling feeling came in. It was soothing. It was nice.





Till the next moon rises,
Bil