"You got me suicidal like angel dust"

I think im suffering from BIGOREXIA. Whats that you'd ask... well, in layman's term it means the desire to become bigger just as those stick-thin models desire to be thinner. Yes, i feel i'm expanding a lil' but that lil' is at a too lil' rate i guess. I want to be BIG, BIG, BIG! But of course, not Arnold/Sylvester kind of BIG. Just the until the time i feel that "Ok, this is it. This IS the body i want.".

Its hard for me to gain weight really. Imagine being 50kg when you're 17. And then being told by a girl that i'm too light for a guy. I mean, who is she to tell me how much i should weigh? And..isnt 50kg a lil' too heavy for girls? I don't know... maybe it just right. It all depends on their size and height too i suppose. But that day, was the day that changed my entire course of life up till now. It made me realise how skinny i was (chest-less, triceps-less, bicep-less, abs-less). So the only way when you're down, i guess, is UP.

Joined rugby (it has been my passion since Primary school days), gym-ed, whacked protein, food, trained and kept fit. I did see a change in my physical sense. Boy, was it was hard work! Now after 2 years+ i'm a lil' bigger (60kg y'all) but i feel that i'm still small and puny. Whats wrong with me? Is it psychological or is it my eyes that is playing tricks on me? Everytime i see another typical guy, i'd wish i had his mass, his biceps etc etc. I feel that i've still got a couple of years to go before reaching that Greek God body.


I'm not blogging this because i'm trying to be vain or anything. Its just that i realised that there are people out there who have what it takes to HAVE that Greek God status but they're just too lazy to do anything bout it. Sad. People like me with high metabolism and super active/super on bear the weight of feeling low when we look at those more masculine dudes. I dont need to be muscular to be more attractive. Building muscles is hard work and the end result is a better and fitter body. It will complement any guy, anytime.

Until press time, i have yet to start off my full fledged diet cum exercise program to pack on the mass. Guess what? I'm planning to hit 70kg by year end. And hell, i've got 1 more month to go. Well, ok, lets be realistic, by January. That'll give me ample time to whack, whack, whack the gym and food to reach my goal.

I always ask myself: "Whats my goal?", "Are you sure, that flab on your tummy is what you want when you your 20s?", "And that skinny arm of yours, thats for apeks."

Despite the critics and cynics i have faced, its such people that drives me to perform better and train harder. Afterall, muscle building isnt a harmful thing unlike anorexia - being deprived of nutrition and love i'd say. It is afterall, a life cum body transformation that any guy would have wanted. Only if they'd see the light...

...from the gym nearby.