"Its coming down to nothing more than apathy."

Where do u place your priorities? Is it on something that lasts only 2 years or something that will last you a lifetime? That is the question, im battling inside me. Do i want to have pride and serve my Nation to my fullest capabilities but at the expense of my own personal aims and goals OR do i try to get an 8am-5pm vocation job whereby after hours i can train at my own pace and reach my personal aims and goals?

Since BMT, i had always given my best in everything i do. I never reported sick, never got a status and always chiong if my body allows. And even up to SISPEC, i must say i have been giving my 110% in everything i do despite the fact that some people around me are complaining because of the trainings and such. No im not bragging. This is the part where you will need to understand the irony of the whole story at the end.

So what is it that caused this whole sudden mental change? I was never too sure. But maybe my fever of 39 degrees celcius on Thursday had a part to play. Funny how i re-called the days when i persuaded my good friend Jeremy not to down-PES or go Out Of Course (OOC) from SISPEC. But in the end, he still went on and downgraded himself, attaining the OOC status. I was disappointed by his actions.

Life goes on, and there i am battling out in the sweltering heat of the sun and the icy tundra of the night doing Battle drills, running SOCs, doing route marches while Jeremy gets to manage his time well and well and doing what was ideal for his body. Im pretty sure i lost quite some weight over this time span of 6 months so far in army life.

So what if you can run 2.4km in 9min or clear SOC under 9.30min but whats more important to you, you cant achieve. My aims, my goals. All down the drain. All that months of gyming and bulking up all gone to waste for the the sake of getting Gold timing for 2.4km and clearing some obstacles. Dont even talk about chin ups. When i first stepped into SISPEC i could do 16 chin ups. I thought, "Well, by the end of this course, i aim to do 20!" It has been my goal even since, only that, like Liverpool, i didnt scored when it mattered and i can only do like 12-14 max. That too under much trying and probably some "kicking".

Everything is gone for me. My army goals, gone. My life goals, gone. I wanted to go into Guards vocation when i first stepped into SISPEC. I felt that it was the only vocation where i can have some pride, better than normal infantry men. But my hopes were dashed when some of the commanders told me that the Guards vocation were full because many of the previous batch of BSLC guys went into Guards. Hopes dashed, heart ablazed.

Then, some of my OOC mates told me that i could try and crossover to OCS. It wasnt so much of a secret. Almost everyone knew about it, some even knew it way before i do. I wasnt much delighted neither was i much anticipating the best. I knew that they choose only the cream of the crop, tip of the top kind of trainees. I could be just the layer of the cream. And true enough, one fine day i was slapped with a news that i couldnt try for OCS because i didnt pass some security clearance at MINDEF. Sad aint it?

All these factors made me realise the inequality and unfairness of the SAF. And that by serving our Nation with our heart and soul sometimes isnt the best option. In fact, the Nation should serve its people with its heart and soul first, before the people can serve her just as well. I guess its my call to serve the ranks of the OOC, provided this shit doesnt change for the better.